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старый 08.03.2005, 18:43   #1
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По умолчанию Jokes and more...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”




**************

What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68
?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.


At 68 - If you
take her to bed, that'll be a story!!




*****************
FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't bloody well think so."




*************

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

--Anonymous


**************


THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEAR STORIES


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F- - - - - - PORRIDGE YET !!"




*************

Consumer products:



1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
старый 11.03.2005, 12:51   #2
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Ingrid,
LOL

[ADDED=Dansker]1110534704[/ADDED]
Ingrid,
LOL
старый 13.03.2005, 18:02   #3
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Sorry, according to the rules, russian language is still prohibited.
старый 14.03.2005, 10:29   #4
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Russian language, deleted.
старый 14.03.2005, 12:28   #5
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Russian language.
старый 14.03.2005, 14:24   #6
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Oh my God, moderator, who's breaking rules
Russian language, prohibited...
LOL=)
старый 14.03.2005, 22:56   #7
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гыыыы )

[ADDED=mariposa]1110830196[/ADDED]
Dansker, no offends, plz
старый 15.03.2005, 16:46   #8
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mariposa,
I'm not offending!:fire: :digger:
старый 16.03.2005, 22:36   #9
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ROTF ABTC!!!
:smoke: :girl:
старый 15.07.2005, 17:21   #10
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Smile The Cat Cleaning Process

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat should be sparkling clean. If further cleaning is required, owners of more than one cat are at an advantage here.

Sincerely,
The Dog
миниатюры
kitty_dangerous.jpg  
старый 15.02.2011, 18:41   #11
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Why didn't I see it before? So let's begin:

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

***

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really???
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

***

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

***

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

***

Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two lawyers stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

***

- Your roof must be leaking. Does it always leak?
- No, only when it rains.

***

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.
______________________

Well, that's enough for today. To be continued...
старый 18.02.2011, 17:28   #12
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A STOWAWAY crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew.

http://www.news.com.au/travel/news/c...-1225942045322
старый 20.02.2011, 18:23   #13
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Jesse Jackson, the Pope and a boy scout were in an airplane. The plane developed mechanical problems and it looked like it was going down. The pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out. There are only two parachutes left.

Jesse says, "I am an important person. My people need me. I am the smartest negro in the world. I must lead my people." He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The pope turns the the boy scout. He says, "I am an old man, and have seen enough of life. I am ready to meet my reward. You take the last parachute and jump. You are young and have your life ahead of you."

The boy scout says, "Relax, pops. The smartest black man in the world just jumped out of this airplane with my back pack."
старый 21.02.2011, 15:46   #14
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

старый 03.03.2011, 15:44   #15
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The preacher's son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem to concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects.
A Bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whiskey
And a Playboy magazine.
"I"ll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a
blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good
drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this
month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna
run for Congress."
старый 04.03.2011, 15:34   #16
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An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.'A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in four weeks.'A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put
it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'The English doctor, not to be outdone, said, 'Hah! We can take an arsehole
out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'
старый 04.03.2011, 21:46   #17
Ken
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Two nuns in a bath. One says:"Where's the soap?" The other says: "It does, doesn't it?"

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. One says: "I've never come this way before". And the second one replies: "It must be the cobbles".

_______________________
on the air: T. Rex -- 6. Get It On [Electric Warrior; 1971]
старый 05.03.2011, 03:23   #18
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Цитата:
Ken посмотреть сообщение
Two nuns in a bath. One says:"Where's the soap?" The other says: "It does, doesn't it?"
There is also a difference between what words mean in the US and Britain.
What might be funny as heck over there will not be understood as being funny over here.

The two nuns are bathing together and the one says "wears out the soap"
The other one giggles and says "Yes it does".
старый 05.03.2011, 14:58   #19
Ken
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Цитата:
Garðar посмотреть сообщение
There is also a difference between what words mean in the US and Britain.
What might be funny as heck over there will not be understood as being funny over here.

The two nuns are bathing together and the one says "wears out the soap"
The other one giggles and says "Yes it does".
That's one way to ruin a good joke, -- to explain it to Americans.
старый 12.04.2011, 04:31   #20
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